Last night I had dinner with some girlfriends that I don’t see very often. They’re all married, and all have children. While it was a great night and so much fun to catch up with them, I found that they often were talking about their kids and I (obviously) had nothing to add to the conversation. Is this the way my life is going to be from now on? A world of friends separated by the haves and have nots? I’m fortunate that a number of my girlfriends are still single or don’t have children, but it makes me a little sad that I’m just not able to relate to some people I care quite a bit about because we just don’t have the same things in common. While I’m out dating and looking for Mr. Rightnow (because I’m not sure that at this point I care about Mr. Rightforever), they’re home changing diapers, getting their kids to try new foods and fighting with their husbands.
Which is really what I want to write about. One of my friends is in a terrible marriage. Her husband is very abusive towards her, usually more verbally (and I think mentally) than physically, although she told us last night that he’d thrown something (accidentally) at her and it hit her in the head. He’s been this way for as long as I’ve known her – over 5 years. Before they got married, I think she seriously considered calling it off because of how he treats her. It hasn’t gotten better and the addition of two kids to their family has definitely added more stress. What’s saddest to me is that the kids are being raised in this environment. I mean, if my friend wants to allow herself to be treated the way her husband treats her, that’s her decision. I don’t agree with it for a million reasons – and top among them is how wonderful she is, how giving, how smart and funny and beautiful and how much she deserves so much better than what she’s getting. But to sit back and allow your children to see you being treated this way is shameful. She told us that her oldest, who is just over 3, started singing “If you’re happy and you know it” while her husband was yelling at her and kept asking “are you happy, daddy? are you happy?” The youngest, who just turned 1, was just crying and crying because she was crying. How do you allow that to continue? How do you not walk away immediately and get those kids out of there?
I don’t know what to tell her to do. I don’t think her husband is going to get the help he needs to work on his issues. And I feel like she needs to set an ultimatum – either he gets help or she walks. If she can’t do it for herself, she needs to do it for the kids. I guess it’s easy for me to sit back on the sidelines and say that – I’m not the one who is then going to have to raise the kids and support them on my own – but I feel like for her kids sake, which should be the most important thing, she needs to do this.
2 Comments
November 23, 2008 at 6:23 pm
That breaks my heart. I feel determined to protect my son from that sort of situation, but then I have a LOT of help and support.
Sorry to hear about the little rifft between you and your ‘domesticated’ friends. It sucks.
November 23, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Hi Adrianna. I couldn’t agree more and I also can’t say enough that, as a mother, you owe it to Dante – and more importantly, to yourself – to never put him or you in that situation. I know it would be hard for her to leave, to have to raise the kids alone, but it would be so much better for everyone in the long run. And she would have help and support from her mom and her friends. Ultimately, though, the decision is hers and I can only be her friend no matter what she decides to do.