Wow, going back to what I wrote on Friday, it seems I was pretty upset. It’s true that I feel sadness over what I’m going through with my husband. Mostly what I feel is guilt and confusion. I wonder if I’m ever going to get over feeling guilty. Will I ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to my marriage? Especially if my husband doesn’t forgive me? I’m hoping that the once-weekly therapist sessions I’m going to will help me with that. And help me figure out why I did what I did, so to avoid having it happen in the future. Either with my husband or someone else, if that’s how this all ends up.
Last night I had another date. It was actually a really great night. We went to one of – and maybe – the best sushi restaurants. We drank a delicious (and expensive) bottle of wine. There was a lot of laughing, and talking was easy. We didn’t kiss at the end of the night, although I would have liked to. And then as I was driving home, I saw the lights on in my husband’s apartment, and I figured he was home by himself. I just got so sad. I wondered what I was doing. What this dating is supposed to mean. Am I looking to kill time? Because I don’t think I’m looking for a relationship. I’m still married! And haven’t had one conversation with my husband about where his head is at about our marriage. Is he dating? I can’t imagine that he is. But he told me that this is what I should do. I know he didn’t say it as a dare. I know he knew full well I would go out and date. I can honestly say that of the couple of guys I’d be interested in seeing again, none have asked what my situation with my husband is – and ultimately, what it would mean to them if they did start to have feelings for me. I can’t even answer that question. Which is why I now feel somewhat guilty about dating. Because I have liked a couple of the guys I’ve gone out with. I’m looking forward to seeing them again. Which makes me sad and confused. The thought of really ending things with my husband – divorcing him – breaks my heart. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to see the lights on his apartment and wonder what he’s doing. He’s supposed to be in an apartment, or house, with me. We’re supposed to have a life together. I just don’t know what I want!!!
But, in the tiniest corner of my heart, that until I’ve written it here, I’ve only admitted to two people, I know I feel that I’m going to wind up divorced. My husband and I are not working on our marriage. We’re living separate lives. I know that we both agreed that we had to work on ourselves, but I thought that we’d be working on our relationship, too. That’s proven to not be the case at all. And if we’re not doing that, I just don’t see how things can ever get better. Yes, I can become a better person and figure things out about myself. The same for him. But it doesn’t get to what went wrong in our relationship and ways to fix that. And then what choice are we left with?
4 Comments
July 7, 2008 at 1:31 pm
My own experience with this is, you are correct. Seperation anymore is nothing but a legal step to divorce. If you are not going to work on the marrige then seperating is the way to go. I would give you some insight as to how I felt about a decision, but we are all different people and it would only be a ’scenario’ as to what your husband might be thinking. At any rate, there are always people who have gone down the road you are travelling, never be afraid to ask them.
July 8, 2008 at 7:08 am
Thanks, Danny. The thing is – I don’t know anyone else who has gone through this. I’m not even kidding. I have a wide network of friends and not one of them has gotten separated, or divorced. I was just saying to my therapist that I want a handbook for separation, so that I’ll know what to do. I was kind of kidding – but not really. I’ll figure it out, though, and in the meantime, appreciate what you have to say.
July 9, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Katie, I am in the midst of a long one. So there is 1
September 10, 2009 at 9:47 am
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.