Saturday morning and I just got back from an almost-7 mile run. Not bad. I’m training for the Broad Street Run, which, for those you not familiar with it, is 10 miles – and is in just over a month. I’ve run it 3 times before, so I know I can do it again.
I’ve had an on-again, off-again love affair with running for just about 8 years now. I find that each time I try to give it up, I lay in bed thinking about the calories I could be blasting off or the badge of honor I feel when I hobble in to work after a particularly hard run.
One thing I really do love about running is that it gives me time to think. I’m out there alone, with nothing but my thoughts and the sound of my (sometimes very labored) breathing to listen to. I often run with my iPod (especially now that I have the Nike+, but that’s another story – my love of this device), but on certain days when I have a problem I have to work through, I’ll leave the iPod behind and trust that an answer will present itself. It usually does. I may not act on it right away, but it’s usually there.
Such has been the case recently as I’ve contemplated the idea of going through with the separation from my husband. This decision has been a long time coming. We could have, and maybe should have, decided this back in January, but we both thought that we could work out our problems while living together. This has proved impossible. It’s only gotten us more frustrated with each other. So here we are – best friends still, but maybe not in love with each other the way other husbands and wives are.
We went to dinner last night and were discussing the apartments that he’s been looking at. We decided he’d move out, and I’d stay in the apartment we’ve lived in together for almost 4 years. The lease is up at the end of August and I’ll move out then, in to a place of my own.
It amazes how calmly we talk of separation things – which apartment he’s liked best and why, who is going to get the microwave, how we’ll split the dishes that we got as wedding gifts, that I can keep the book case and coffee table because he never really liked them anyway. I’ve cried a lot, and know there are many more tears to come. But I couldn’t ask to be going through this with a better friend or person.
One of the things we have yet to figure out is what being separated means to us. Do we see each other? Do we see other people? Does he come to my sister’s wedding in May with me?
And here’s the ironic thing about asking questions about dating other people. I was “dating” while we were married – which is a big reason that we’re separating. First, he found out about it. And second, I so felt that something was missing from our relationship that I was looking for it elsewhere.
So now you know how we got here – it’s the age old story.
I’m not proud about it, in fact it’s made me question a lot of things about who I am and what I want from life. I sometimes feel I’m not meant to be married to anyone. That I like my life a whole lot without the constraints of compromise. And while that makes me sound shallow and selfish, maybe I am. It’s one of the things I’m exploring with my therapist.
So there’s a little more background for you to chew on. You’ll be hearing a lot more as the days go on. You may not like everything you read about me. I know I won’t like everything I write about myself. But it’s the truth and I believe there’s a saying (it may even come from the Bible) that goes “And the truth will set you free.” Which sounds pretty good to me.
3 Comments
March 30, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Katie,
It’s not easy but you will find there are soooo many people who went through/are goint through the same thing. Yap away feed back is good and comfort in company of those with similar experiences will help.
March 31, 2008 at 9:22 am
Katie,
Sounds like some interesting reading is ahead! The choices we make – bad, good, scary as hell – they’re what make us who we are. I’m not proud of all the choices I’ve made in my life and I know most people, even those who are my friends, would look at me like I had two heads if they knew some of the things I’ve contemplated, let alone done. Still, as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror each day, you must be doing okay! I’m looking forward to reading more about the “new” Katie!
March 31, 2008 at 9:48 pm
We’ve all done things in our lives that we second guess looking back on, and some other things, we acknowledge that we did the best we could at that given point in time. If we were to judge ourselves on every thing we ever did, we wouldn’t be living for the future, but living in the past. You’ve done one hell of a job dealing with the cards that have been dealt to you, and you should be proud of what you have accomplished.
I echo the points “danny” and “just me” made as well.
Keep your head held high Katie.
JS
xo