Katie Moved!

Katie has officially moved to BLUville. You may find her there, up to something scandalous, I’m sure!

To permanently bookmark her new site, link to: http://katie.magazineblu.com.

And the beat goes on

I’m in the midst of a dating frenzy.  I’m talking to/ have so many dates lined up, I don’t even know what to do.

The thing that I’m proudest of?  I seem to be getting better at it.  Now, granted, it still may be too early to make this determination.  But – I know what I’m looking for, and refuse to not get exactly that.  Even if it means being alone.  

There are benefits to being alone.  I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want.  I answer to no one.  I can buy/shop/do as I please.  There’s no explaining or hiding.  It’s just me.  

However, I realize the dangers in this.  I don’t want to get so accustomed to not compromising that I lose the (admittedly small) ground I gained in learning how to.  I know it’s not a strength of mine.  And I know, that for a relationship to last, it has to be part of it.  For now, though, compromise isn’t necessarily something I have to do.  

For instance, today I was supposed to go out with the 26-year old from Sunday.  He texted me that he was having dinner with someone and talked about getting together for drinks after.  Not acceptable.  He made plans with me for tonight.  I’m not going to become his drinking buddy after 1 meeting.  So, I told him that.  It was a bit of a struggle.  But – he finally came around to my way of thinking and I have an acceptable 2nd date (meeting) with him on Sunday.  If he’d said he didn’t want to talk to me because I was telling him exactly what I expected, then I don’t want/ need to be with him.  I’d rather be alone than be with someone that I can’t be honest with.  As crazy as it sounds, my “relationship” with TNG at least taught me that.  I’m not going to get in to another situation where I’m too afraid to say what I’m looking for just because I love someone’s face.

Adventures in dating (part… what? 100?)

I feel like my dating life runs very hot or very cold.  I’m either dating like a maniac, or not dating at all.

I wrote about my date on Saturday.  I had another one last night.  This one with a 26 year old.  And I can honestly say it was one of the best first dates I’ve had.  Maybe not quite as great as the one with TNG, but that was mostly because I kept thinking to myself that he’s only 26, and what kind of long-term potential can there be in that?

He’s smart.  Fun.  Greek (which means he has an accent. Ah, accents).  And super nice.  He has that European style that I so love.  We had a really good time, and are going out again on Wednesday.

In the meantime, I’m waiting for this other guy to call me.  We’ve exchanged a few emails.  We’re supposed to go out Thursday night.  So we’ll see how it goes.

I also am talking to at least 2 other guys that I would potentially go out with.  We’ll see if either of them call me.  I called both tonight and left them messages – the one guy called me both last night and tonight (which, honestly, is a little annoying).

Finally, this other guy and I have been emailing.  I asked for his # this morning, and he gave it to me. He’s a little weird – he’s separated, but basically what happened is that his wife took off and didn’t really tell him.  It’s not the first time she’s done this.  But when she comes back, he takes her.  I asked if he really thought he was ready to be dating – said it sounded like there’s a lot of baggage.  Anyway, prior to this is when I’d asked for his #.  He emailed me tonight asking for mine, so I told him I had his and would call him.  When I did, I got the voice mail to the Inspector General’s office.  So I wrote and said “Apparently I have the number for the Inspector General.  Nice”  He writes back “lmao.  Sorry, I got you the wrong one”  What?? You don’t know your number?  So he writes me again with his phone number and says I should call him later today or tomorrow.  I wrote back “don’t count on it.  Just confirms for me that you’re not ready for this.  Very juvenile”  I mean, I think he’s 40 or something and giving out the wrong #?  Ridiculous.  Don’t waste my time.  He wrote back apologizing, but this is the second time he’s had to apologize to me in two days (yesterday he wrote something really dumb about my getting divorced) and I’m sorry, I don’t play by the “3 times and you’re out” rule – especially with someone who I haven’t even met yet.

What gives?

I had a bad date tonight.  It wasn’t terrible, it just wasn’t a guy that I was in to.  I hate dating.  You go in with such high expectations.  And then the date walks in. Your stomach sinks and you wonder how you’re going to get through the the next few hours.  Luckily, you remember alcohol.  And so you drink too much of it.

My date ended with my walking out on him, practically.   He wanted to go out for another drink and I said no. 

I’m not emailing TNG.  I’m not texting him.  But God, I’m thinking of him and hating him.  I liked him so much!  I remember our first date, and texting my best friend saying that I was having the best first date.  I remember that we hit it off immediately.  I just want to feel that again!  WTF???

Okay, I’m done.  I know that I will not meet another match until  I can get over TNG.  B ut for now, I’m not and I can’t and I don’t know what to do.

An interesting proposition

Earlier today I got an email from a man on one of the dating sites I’m on.  (Speaking of, I think I may be addicted to dating sites. There’s something about them – I can spend hours looking at the men who are looking for women.  It also doesn’t hurt that a lot of times men write and just say how attractive they find me.  I mean, it’s a great ego boost!)  

Anyway, this guy wrote to me that he’s a submissive male who gets off on buying and doing things for women.  He wants to take me shopping for shoes and lingerie – but doesn’t even care about seeing me in the lingerie, just wants to buy and do things for me.  There is nothing sexual about it in that he doesn’t want to have sex with me.  He doesn’t want to touch me.  He just wants to take me shopping!  

I’m seriously considering it.  I mean, I’m worried on the one hand because that just sounds crazy to me and I don’t want to wind up murdered.  On the other hand, I’d like for someone to buy me things and do things for me!  I have a whole apartment that needs to be packed in two weeks.  (Just kidding about that – I’m definitely not telling him where I live, let alone have him come to my place to pack for me.)  

He seems nice and sincere.  In our IM conversation he kept calling me Miss. Katie.  I told him I felt like a kindergarten teacher and asked him to stop.  But he wanted to call me something appropriate for a submissive male to call a woman and asked me what I thought.  I told him I had no idea.  We finally settled simply on Miss.  It was so weird!  He told me I could be as mean to him as I wanted, he didn’t care.  I asked him a ton of questions, and he answered all of them.  Explained that he’s done this many times before and that he only wants to make sure I feel safe and comfortable.  

I don’t know!  I don’t think I have a problem with him buying things for me.  He said that he would “take care of himself” after he left me, because that’s how exciting it is for him to do this kind of thing.  I know that it takes all kinds and I’m a very open-minded person.  This however, goes to a place I’m not sure I can go – no matter how much I want a closet full of Jimmy Choos and Manolo Blahniks!

Crazy is my name

After posting last night, and not finding TNG on the one site,  I looked on the other dating site – the one I actually met him on.  And there he was, with the words under him saying he’d been on earlier that day.

So I did what any normal person does at midnight and emailed him.  A whole long email calling him out on the fact that while he told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and couldn’t be responsible for anyone’s feelings, he was on dating sites daily and was obviously looking for someone to date.  I think the way I put it was that he was trying to date all over the internet.  It’s actually a pretty good email.  The one big problem with it is timing.  Three weeks after we he tells me he doesn’t want to see me anymore is not the time to send that kind of email.

I know he was on that site earlier today.  I can only imagine he got the email.  I’m trying not to think about it, because what can I do now?  It’s out there.  I’m not too upset about it because I wanted to say what I did.  I just wish I’d done it sooner.

Could it be??

I just was on the new site that I saw TNG on… and I think his profile is down.  Did he meet someone else?? Is he dating someone? Or am I just too drunk to recognize him?

Yes, I’m drunk.  Of course I am.  That’s what I do.  Such a crazy night.  Ran in to a guy I met a few weeks back.  He’s a friend of a friend.  Totally hot.  The night I met him, however, he decided to waste him his time on some girl who was wearing heavy blue eye make up.  Cheesy, in other words.  Tonight he made it a point to come over and talk to me and give me his number (after I asked).  Long story.  But may be worth telling tomrrow.  We”ll see how it goes after I email him.

In other news – so much sadness in my life.  Mr. Married.  TNG.  What the fuck is up with these guys??  If someone could explain guys to me once and for all, it would be much appreciated. How am I not a lesbian by now??  That’s the question of the day, by the way.

All the news…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I was out of the country on vacation and had the most amazing time.  I went to Paris and fell in love with the city.  I didn’t love all the smoking that went on there, but it was just a beautiful city and I’m seriously considering moving there, if only for a few months (and probably not for a year!).

The vacation did me good.  It seems I’m finally over TNG.  I’ll probably always find him attractive, but at least I’m not obsessed with him the way I was.  I actually emailed him when I got back, because he’d visited Paris a few times and told me places I should visit.  I wrote to him and let him know I had an amazing time, all the places I saw.  He emailed me back today.  And while I was glad he did (if only because I don’t want him to think I’m a psycho because of getting in touch with him), I wasn’t overwhelmed with a desire to write him back right away.  I figure I’ll respond in the next couple of days.  

Talking to a few different guys from the dating site.  It seems like I’ll have a couple of dates over the next few weeks.  

Started a new job today.  I think I’m going to like it, although it’s always hard to tell after one day!  But I definitely like the people I work with and that’s a start.

I’m still totally jet lagged and ready for bed.  I hope this passes soon!  Tomorrow night I’m going out with a girl friend and we’re going to a meeting for a French club I joined when I got back (I’m serious about this move thing!).  She’s a Francophile, and I think I’m becoming one.  It should be a good night!

Issues

I have them.  I’m still hung up on TNG.  There’s no two ways about it.  I joined (another!) dating site yesterday.  Looking through my matches I came upon him.  It said he’d been on yesterday!  Seriously, what the fuck?  I now definitely don’t believe a word he said to me, either in the few weeks we were dating or in what he said in his email to me about why he didn’t want to see me anymore.

I’m so tempted to email him through the site and call him out.  I haven’t, and probably won’t.  I’m going out of the country for a week and it couldn’t come at a better time, or else I don’t know what I’d do.  I looked at his profile yesterday – I wanted it to show up if he checks to see who has looked at him.  Apparently he does, because this morning I looked to see who’s looked at my profile and there he was.  What an asshole.  The real thing that gets to me is that he has the best picture of himself up there and he looks just so damn good!!!  God, I hate him.

Last night I had a date.  I actually had  a really fun time, even though I can’t say that I felt any sexual sparks.  The guy was absolutely hysterical.  After dinner, I went to the bar across the street from my house.  There was a really good looking guy that I wound up sitting next to.  We talked for a few hours, and I wound up bringing him home with me.  He was so young – only 26!!  Literally almost 11 years younger than me.  But he had what I like – the light hair and blue eyes.  He even said something to me about the fact that he could tell that I liked the way he looked because of how I looked at him.  Yikes!  Anyway, long story short – we wound up having sex.  It was pretty good.  I liked kissing him, of course.  

Christ.  I’m a fool for guys with light hair and blue eyes.  I better stay out of Sweden and Germany.

Closure? Maybe not quite yet

When I wrote on Friday, I was feeling good about the end of my relationship with TNG.  As I mentioned, I’d emailed him and he emailed me back with a very good and reasonable explanation as to why he didn’t want to see me.  More than that, he explained why he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now.

So why is he still on the web site on which we met?  I hate to say it, but I log on to see when he last was on.  And today it was yesterday (if that sentence makes any sense).  Yesterday he was on a dating web site.  Yet, he told me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.  Makes a lot of sense, right??

Earlier I was on gmail.  Because I’d emailed him, he was back in my contacts (I’d deleted him earlier last week) and I could see that he was online.  Of course my mind went right to the fact that he was probably emailing someone he met on the dating site.  It just infuriates me!  Don’t date if you’re not ready to be in a relationship.  And if you are ready, then date me!

The thing is, I really don’t mean that.  Only from the position of wanting to kiss him again.  I don’t even care so much about the sex, because honestly even though he (apparently, from both what he said and wrote to me) thought sex was great with me, I didn’t think it was so great with him. Part of it was my fault – I wasn’t comfortable enough to tell him what I really needed/wanted.  But part of it was that he seemed to go right for the kill (meaning penetration) rather than concentrating on foreplay and really getting me ready.  I mean, I was always turned on when I was with him – that’s what happens when I’m attracted to someone – but there’s a difference between being ready and being turned on.  Maybe that doesn’t make any sense.

Ultimately, I really do want a relationship with someone with whom I can tell what I want and who cares about making sure that I’m enjoying the sex as much as he is.  I guess TNG did try – there were times where he’d be “performing” and he’d ask what I wanted him to do – but again, I was too shy to be able to tell him.

All that really confirms for me is that I shouldn’t be rushing in to a sexual relationship with someone – which is part of what TNG told me.  Sex makes things too serious, too fast.  And next time I want to make sure that the person I’m with sexually is really deserving of my time.

Doesn’t change the fact that I still want TNG to kiss me one last time.  Or run his fingers through my hair while looking into my eyes.  Because I really did love that.

Closure

Yesterday I sent TNG an email.  As I’ve written, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him.  And then when I was out Thursday night I ran in to a friend that I’d seen last Thursday when I was with TNG.  He (the friend) told me that TNG and I were making out in the bar and that when I was talking to him (the friend), TNG was staring him down.  All of a sudden I convinced myself that TNG wasn’t really trying to break up with me and that I’d misread everything.  I needed answers.

I got them.  He was, in fact, breaking up with me.  But he was super nice in the email and finally explained his feelings.  He told me that he’d had a great time with me, but wasn’t sure what he’s looking for and therefore doesn’t feel he should be in a relationship because that makes him responsible for someone else’s feelings.  I can only respect that.  Plus, he said really nice things about me (so the ego felt better) and I know that ultimately this was about him and not me.  I feel like I can move on now.

I’m glad I put myself out there and sent him the email.  We’re going to be neighbors when I move, and could run in to each other.  I didn’t want it to be awkward or weird – or for me to run home crying because I’d seen him.  Now I know that won’t happen – unless he’s with another girl, in which case I’ll be pissed!  But seriously, I feel good about things and maybe we’ll be friends.  Not friends that talk all the time – I’m too attracted to him for that – but friendly at least.

A mild obsession

The title could refer to one of two things that I’m mildly (or more) obsessed with right now.

The first is this .  I cannot stop watching.  I don’t know if it’s the song (which is just beautiful, and makes me want to go back and see Les Miserables again).  If it’s the passion with which she sings.  If it’s the audience’s reaction to her, or better, the judge’s (Simon Cowell’s face 4 minutes in to the clip is absolutely priceless).  I don’t know if it’s because it should remind everyone who watches it to remember that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.  Or if it’s because this simple woman, who probably doesn’t expect much from life, or at the very least hasn’t gotten much to this point, brings the crowd to their feet time and time again and proves that being true to yourself is the best thing you can do.  Whatever the reason, I’m hooked completely and cry almost every time I see it (which must be numbering near 1,000 at this point).

The second is TNG.  Although, hopefully, that’s slowly fading.  I keep going back to the site that we met on.  Seeing when he last logged in.  Sad to say, but it was just two days ago.  Which of course makes me wonder what he’s doing there if “now isn’t a good time for him to be a relationship”.  I mean, I know that was a line of bullshit.  But to have it confirmed by seeing that he’s logged on stings a bit.  I know I shouldn’t care, but it’s hard not to.  The good news is that I’ve erased his number from my phone and finally deleted the apology text he sent last week.  I hope that means I’m going to start to forget him and not wonder if he’s wondering about me.

The highs and lows

I know my last post was overly dramatic.  I’d actually started it when I was quite drunk Saturday night, and (in all honesty) finished  last night.  I was just too drunk and sad Saturday night to finish.

I have so many great things going on in my life right now –  a new job.  A new apartment.  New opportunities.  I met 4 guys tonight, and two over the weekend, who would be happy to date me.

And yet, I think of what I don’t have.  No TNG.  No text since he sent his “apology” on Friday.  I sincerely hate him.  When I tell other guys what he did – and how he did it – they can’t believe it.  Because the truth is, I’m a pretty cool  girl.  I like to laugh, have fun.  And I’m fairly easy on the eyes (so I’m told).   

 I’m being sued by my old company.  And yet, at the same time, I have great lawyers from my new company representing me – at no cost to me.  I have a great new place to move in to (even if it is only a few blocks from TNG – upping the chance I’ll run in to him).  I have great new people I’m renting from.  I’m going to see my favorite band tomorrow night and over the weekend (for free!).  

I have so much for which I am infinitely grateful.  I am one of the luckiest people I know.  I have no doubt of that.

And yet-  I’m so upset about TNG.  It’s not just that he reminded me so much of the first person I loved.

It’s that – for the second time in a row – I’ve been with someone who’s decided – seemingly out of nowhere – that they don’t want to be with me.  Which makes me have to question things about me.  I’m fine with that – it’s why I’m in therapy.  I just have no idea what I could have done differently in either situation that would have made it any different.  That’s the hardest part.

Loss & Love

That’s kind of an accurate summation of my feelings right now. 

It would take far more concentration and attendance to details than what I can provide right now to accurately describe what has happened in my life in the past week.

There are far more important details, and yet, what I’ll concentrate on is the demise of me and TNG. 

Not sure what the last entry I had was.  I’m too tired, and drunk, to look.  

Things were weird all last week.  I went out Thursday night.  Definitely drank too much.  And texted TNG to find out where he was.  He finally texted me back, and I went to meet him.  It was a disaster from the start.  I never should have gone to meet him.  Turns out he was with a friend of his I’d met before and a girl he works with.  I really can’t remember exactly what happened.  He asked me if I wanted to go outside to talk about the week, because he hadn’t really been in touch with me and it was obvious that things were off.  He told me that he’s attracted to me, that he loves being with me and hanging out with me but that he just couldn’t do it.  I have no idea what he was trying to say.  I finally got out of him that he wanted a “casual” relationship with me.  I asked if that meant he wanted to see other people.  He said yes.  I said fine – although, it never would have been.  We started kissing and he asked me if I wanted to go home with him.  I said yes, and that I was just going to tell my girlfriends that I was leaving. 

I was gone maybe 3 minutes.  When I came back outside, I couldn’t find him, but saw his friend, Dave.  I asked Dave where TNG was.  Turns out he was on the phone with the girl he works with.  I asked Dave what was going on, and he told me he didn’t know.  When TNG got off the phone, I asked if he was acting weird because of the girl he works with, but he insisted that she was married (I don’t think she is) and just needed help finding her way home.  Then he was back to telling me that he couldn’t have me come home with him.  I finally walked away from him, got in to a cab and went home by myself.  

I have no idea what happened.  I have no idea how we went from having a great night less than one week prior to this to what he did on Thursday.  I’m certainly not going to waste my time thinking about it.  The thing is, I didn’t really think that we were going to be together forever.  But I was not ready for it end Thursday night, drunk outside of a bar at 1 am.  

He actually texted me on Friday to apologize for the way things went down.  It was good he sent that – I definitely deserved an apology, but as far as I’m concerned he’s still a total asshole.

That fact hasn’t stopped me from crying over him for the past two nights, but I’m hopeful that tonight there will be no tears.

Not sure how to date

I know I’ve said this before.  I have no idea how to date casually.  I stress about everything.  Received a text I didn’t think was long enough?  Must mean he doesn’t want to see me anymore.  24 hours goes by with no communication?  Definitely means he doesn’t want to see me anymore.

One of my girlfriends has a great term for this.  Catastrophizing.  That’s exactly what I do.  I catastrophize every situation.  I have no evidence that TNG doesn’t want to see me anymore.  (except for the fact that I haven’t heard from him in over 24 hours.)  Yet here I sit, wondering what to do.  Do I call him?  Email him?  Ask him what’s up?  

I’m really not good at playing the “cool” girl.  I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.  Someone who wants to talk on the phone, see me more than once a week (or, at the very least, at least once a week).   Someone who will text me and email me.  I don’t mean incessantly.  But maybe once during the day, even if it’s just to say “hey”.  Is that too much to ask?  Especially of someone who I’ve only known for 4 weeks?

Regardless, at the very least, I want someone who, if they don’t want to see me anymore, respects me – and respects the fact that although it may have only been 3 weeks that we were together, we spent quite a bit of time together and said some things that deserve at least an email telling me it’s over.

Of course, if all I get is an email saying it’s over, that won’t be good enough, either and I’ll complain that I deserved a call.  

Maybe there is just no making me happy.

How things change

On Friday, when I gave my notice all seemed well.  There were a couple of people who came to speak with me about my decision, to see if they could change my mind.  I told them my mind was made up, and gave them the reasons why.  They seemed good with it and wished me luck.

Not sure what happened between Friday and yesterday, but in the early afternoon I was asked to leave my office.  Immediately.  My cell phone and computer were taken.  Most importantly, I was told that if I pursued the opportunity at the new company legal action would be taken against me.  I believe that’s when the tears started.  It was the most emotional day I’ve had in a while.

For now, I’m pursuing the new opportunity.  I have legal counsel from the new company looking in to what, if any, case my old company has.  For now, it seems as though things will be okay.  Fingers crossed!

Still not sure what’s going on with TNG. I’d sent him an email yesterday with my new phone #, even though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t contact him until he got in touch with me (he did finally text me back on Sunday afternoon, but it didn’t really say anything, and he certainly didn’t ask me to get together!).  I didn’t have his phone #, and wanted to tell him what had happened.  He actually called and emailed me, which I thought was nice.  Still didn’t ask me to get together.  Good news is, I have enough other things to occupy my mind that I don’t really care. 

At least not too much.

A realization

So much to write about.  I got a new job.  Gave my two weeks notice at my current company yesterday.  I’m happy to say that I can finally say I make 6 figures!  6 figures!  I don’t know why, but it feels really good to say it.

Still seeing TNG.  Things seem to be going well.  Except that I dropped him off at the train station this morning, after spending a really fun night with him last night, and he just kissed me good bye and got out of the car.  Oh, and I texted him hours ago, and have heard nothing back.  Whatever.

As the title says, though, I’ve had an epiphany.   Not really, but it is a realization.  

Years ago, when I was much younger (around 10) I fell in love for the first time.  I know that sounds crazy, and yet , I don’t doubt it.  I’ve never doubted it.  This guy was the first person I loved.  He didn’t reciprocate the feelings, although, for one blissful night, when I was 21 we hooked up.  I was really drunk, and we didn’t have sex (much to my dismay, since it was my one and only chance).  He’s been married now for over 8 years and we’re not even friends anymore.  

Today, TNG and I were in his kitchen.   We were talking, nothing big.   And I just was staring at his face, because it reminds me so much of the face of my first love.  I know it sounds ridiculous.  But I love TNGs face, probably for all the wrong reasons.  Because it reminds me of someone I loved many, many years ago.  

I don’t think that TNG and I will be together for the long term.  I have so much fun with him right now, but I think I’m still looking for someone a little more ambitious than him.  However, I love that we have as much fun as we do and am happy with that for now. 

But really, what I love, is  that he reminds me of someone that never gave me the chance I deserved and wanted.  Which is not at all fair to him, but will hopefully help protect me when this inevitably falls apart (since he hasn’t even texted me back, and I can’t imagine that he hasn’t checked his phone in all this time).

Maybe it goes without saying, because of this rambling post, I’m not exactly sober right now.  And am now going to head to bed.

Change is in the air

I’m going to NY tomorrow (which reminds me I need to book my ticket) for an interview with a new company.  I honestly can’t remember if I wrote about it before, but it’s a company that does what I do now.  It sounds like a good opportunity.  I’m not really nervous, because I’m not desperate to leave my current situation.  But I am excited and hope that it works out.

In other news, things are still going well with the man.  We saw each other last night and had a really good time.  I’m still not 100% sure of what I want from this long term, but maybe that’s okay a couple of weeks in.  I really do enjoy hanging out with him.  He’s funny, and nice.  I’m definitely attracted to him.  But – I don’t know what his long term goals are.  He’s made comments more than once about “preppy guys”, which I’m kind of in to.  I’m afraid that I’m going to find that he’s not so different from my ex-husband in that regard, and honestly, I want to be with a guy who isn’t afraid of money.  Is that ridiculous?  I don’t know.   I’m not saying that he has to make millions of dollars.  I just want someone who is goal oriented and focused in that regard.  And again, he very well may be.  I shouldn’t jump to conclusions just because of a couple of off-hand comments.

Point is, I’m trying to be smart about this.  Well, at least in the cold light of sobriety.  After I’ve had a few drinks, I’m pretty much trying to pin him in to a corner and get him to tell me he loves me.  Why??  I don’t love him!  Like – yes.  Love – no.  I’m going to try and remember this the next time I’m with him after some drinks.

Incredible woman

Yes, I’m speaking of myself.

It’s funny.  I met TNG (still need a better name!) almost 2 weeks ago for the first time, and in that time, I’ve gotten so wrapped up in making sure he likes me, that I haven’t been focusing on the fact that I have other great things going on in my life.  

I don’t understand how, at my age, with all that I’ve been through and accomplished that some guy’s opinion of me can mean so much.  A guy, who, honestly, I’m not even sure yet is worthy of my love (not saying I love him – I mean in the long run) and attention.  

I’m not saying that to deny feelings I have for him.  I’m just saying that I’m a pretty good catch.  I’m smart.  To quote TNG, I’m beautiful, and have a body that he “wants to devour”.  I’m funny and fun.  I’m a good friend.  I have a good job (and who knows – may have a new job sooner than later that could mean even more money! – but more on that in another post, depending on how some things go tomorrow).  I’m an incredible picker of college basketball team winners – currently, and amazingly, in first place in my work pool.

With all that I am, why do I get so worried if he likes me?  If he doesn’t, someone else will.  I guess it’s just been so long since I’ve felt the attraction – and connection – that I felt with him right away.

Even with Mr. Married, it was a different feeling.  Maybe because my situation was so different then.  I was married, and not really looking for love.  Just someone to fuck, truth be told.  Yes, I fell in love with Mr. Married, but that took some time.  Whereas I feel with TNG, we just connected immediately.  

Point is, from here on out, no getting upset if the phone doesn’t ring when I think it should.  If an email isn’t waiting for me first thing.  If I don’t get a text before lunch.  I’m just going to try and enjoy this for whatever it may be – whether it’s a day or a week or a month.  And remain confident in the knowledge that if this doesn’t work out, another relationship will.

Trying to keep a cool head

Honestly, no sooner had I hit “publish” on the post yesterday than I got a text from TNG.  (I really need to come up with a better name!)  

We did wind up getting together last night.  I know this is going to sound crazy – but I know he was going to tell me he loves me.  I know that’s not really possible.  We’ve known each other 1 week!  Yes, we’ve spent a lot of time together.  Yes, I definitely have strong feelings for him.  I love talking to him.  I love seeing him.  I love making love to him.  I’m not really ready to say I love him.  I am ready to – and did – tell him I am a little infatuated with him.  He said “I know what you mean”.  To which I responded “I’m a lot infatuated with you”.  And again he said he knew.  

I don’t know what it is, but we hit it off immediately and it’s only getting better.  

I’m trying to play it somewhat cool.  I don’t – as I said to him – want this to be over before it’s begun.  He was making comments last night that we’re very serious for having known each other such a short time.  I want to make sure we move forward in this relationship for the right reasons – because we enjoy being with each other, because we have fun, we complement each other, we challenge each other.  I don’t want it to (only) be about sex.  It makes me feel good that he tells me he wants to get to know me, that he wants to learn about me.

I’m going to try and not freak out if a day goes by when he doesn’t text me when I think he should.  I’m going to try and appreciate this for what it is, everyday that I’m lucky enough to have it continue.